all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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