we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
