This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
