your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize