Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
