I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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