dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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