Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
