Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
