I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
