aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
