drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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