pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
