so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
