I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
