I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
