the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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