Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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