One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
