Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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