i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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