Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize