You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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