I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize