you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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