Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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