The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize