Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
