Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Randomize
