if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
