you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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