I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
