Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
