Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
