This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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