What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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