so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
