Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
