oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
