why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
