So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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