I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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