Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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