I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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