I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize