im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
