Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
