I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
