Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you will always have a special place in my vag
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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