i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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