Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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