Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm at about main and main street
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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