I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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