There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
