i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
