I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
