if you like me you must not know who I am
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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