I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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