Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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